Gastritis

The Monday after Thanksgiving, I went to the urgent care clinic because I had a tummy ache. After I sat in the examination room waiting for twenty minutes, the doctor stormed in with a Toughbook laptop.

He looked like a slightly thicker version of Barack Obama. Maybe this man can offer my stomach the change it needs, my inner comedian said. My inner bully then reached over and punched my inner comedian in the nuts. Then they both grabbed their stomachs and held a hand up to signal that they needed a second.

The doctor barely said hello before getting right into it.

"Where does it hurt?"

"My tummy. " I made a circular motion over my gut. "And my shoulder and ne-"

"Where on your stomach? High? Low?"

"High."

He punched my response into the computer. "Is the pain radiating?"

"Uh...no?"

He entered my response into the computer again. He asked me several more questions, read the diagnosis on the screen, and then said, "It sounds like you have gastritis. Inflammation of the stomach lining." The treatment? Over-the-counter Prilosec antacid for two-to-three weeks. Dr. Obama said if the pain didn't go away, I might have an ulcer.

What made me a little irritated was that after four years of undergrad, three years of med school, and an intense residency, Dr. Obama let Dr. Toughbook treat me. They should've just saved me time and stuck the laptop in the waiting room.

I wasn't sure if Dr. Toughbook knew what he was talking about, so I went home and got a second opinion from Dr. Wikipedia. He said, "Gastritis is caused by excessive alcohol consumption, prolonged use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, also known as NSAIDs, such as aspirin or ibuprofen, or infection with bacteria, such as Helicobacter pylori."

Well, that settled it. Over Thanksgiving weekend I had drunk a bottle of wine and eaten dessert at H. Pylori's Room-Temperature Cheesecake Factory.

I took the Prilosec for two weeks and had white stools. I'm all better now, thanks.