5 Things I Learned at the Optometrist's

I signed up for vision insurance at work, so Jen, Zane and I went to the optometrist's today so that Blindy McJen could get her eyes checked. Here are five things I learned today.

1. Kids Can Be So Cruel
A group was leaving as we were coming in, a woman and four little boys who were all about ten or eleven years old. Everyone in the group was black, except for one white kid - the tiniest of the bunch. A thick hunk of masking tape was holding together the bridge of his Kurt Rambis glasses, which were being replaced.

On the way out, one of the bigger boys said, "Petey, you look like Steve Urkel with that tape around your glasses."

"Don't say that," the woman said. "Don't be mean."

"I've been saying that to him all day!"

2. Discover Magazine Likes Saying Things for the Sake of Saying Things
An article in a waiting room magazine posed the question, "Is war inevitable?" According to several anthropologists and primatologists, no, it's not. Primate and human behavior suggest that given the right circumstances - adequate food, gender equality, income equality - humans are perfectly content to live peacefully. Or if they're not currently, they will be in the future once aggressive males die from fighting and risky behavior and the "milquetoast" beta males survive and reproduce.

But a line near the end reads, "Despite the signs of progress against our belligerent side, all these scientists emphasize that if war is not inevitable, neither is peace."

Oh wow, so there can be war or peace, depending on the circumstances. Thanks for wasting my time, you assholes.

3. The Optometry Business is a Hard One
During Jen's examination, I went outside and enjoyed the perfect Florida weather with Zane. When the exam was done and Jen was picking out contacts, the doctor came out and started chatting with me.

Apparently, the company leasing his space keeps raising maintenance costs and he's being forced to move to a cheaper location. And last night he was at the office until 9:30 pm.

The stress must be piling up on him because he's having fantasies about becoming a teacher. Kind of sucks after nine years of post-secondary education.

4. Zane is a Good Boy
Nine months old and he hardly fussed. I owe him one. We ended up being there for about two hours, and he could've made my life hell. But he didn't. Someone's just earned himself tickets to a Wiggles concert when he's older.

5. Pregnancy is Neither Good Nor Bad for Eyes
Jen hadn't been to the optometrist in over two years, and her eyeglass prescription stayed exactly the same. Frankly, I'm shocked, because she reads Harry Potter in the dark.

What I don't understand is, if she can see so well, how come she let me out of the house a couple days ago with a big green thing in my front teeth? I went everywhere with that, Jen, and you know I like to smile.