I bought a Chuck Norris calendar for my desk at work. It is nails.
Each month has a picture of him - dressed up in Army gear, wearing a karate gi, holding a machine gun - and a Chuck Norris fact.
Month-by-month quips:
2008
September - December
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.
2009
January
Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.
February
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off.
March
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
April
Chuck Norris calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Chuck Norris.
May
They wanted to put Chuck Norris' head on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't strong enough for his beard.
June
Chuck Norris picks his teeth with other people's teeth.
July
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
August
Chuck Norris' house has no doors. Just walls that he walks through.
September
Chuck Norris got his driver's license at the age of 16 seconds.
October
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
November
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and can make him drink.
December
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
How to Impress Office Workers, Part II
A continuation. See Part I.
INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - DAY
An ostensible MAN is waiting for his lunch to finish microwaving. COWORKER MALE and COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS enter the kitchen. Coworker male takes out a Tupperware of soup and two small bowls, one for the each of them.
COWORKER MALE
Hey, what you got there? Smells good.
MAN
Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers. Four for $10 at Winn Dixie.
COWORKER MALE
Nice.
COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS
Wow, ten for a dollar. That's a great deal!
INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - DAY
An ostensible MAN is waiting for his lunch to finish microwaving. COWORKER MALE and COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS enter the kitchen. Coworker male takes out a Tupperware of soup and two small bowls, one for the each of them.
COWORKER MALE
Hey, what you got there? Smells good.
MAN
Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers. Four for $10 at Winn Dixie.
COWORKER MALE
Nice.
COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS
Wow, ten for a dollar. That's a great deal!
Friday, January 23, 2009
5 Things I Learned at the Optometrist's
I signed up for vision insurance at work, so Jen, Zane and I went to the optometrist's today so that Blindy McJen could get her eyes checked. Here are five things I learned today.
1. Kids Can Be So Cruel
A group was leaving as we were coming in, a woman and four little boys who were all about ten or eleven years old. Everyone in the group was black, except for one white kid - the tiniest of the bunch. A thick hunk of masking tape was holding together the bridge of his Kurt Rambis glasses, which were being replaced.
On the way out, one of the bigger boys said, "Petey, you look like Steve Urkel with that tape around your glasses."
"Don't say that," the woman said. "Don't be mean."
"I've been saying that to him all day!"
2. Discover Magazine Likes Saying Things for the Sake of Saying Things
An article in a waiting room magazine posed the question, "Is war inevitable?" According to several anthropologists and primatologists, no, it's not. Primate and human behavior suggest that given the right circumstances - adequate food, gender equality, income equality - humans are perfectly content to live peacefully. Or if they're not currently, they will be in the future once aggressive males die from fighting and risky behavior and the "milquetoast" beta males survive and reproduce.
But a line near the end reads, "Despite the signs of progress against our belligerent side, all these scientists emphasize that if war is not inevitable, neither is peace."
Oh wow, so there can be war or peace, depending on the circumstances. Thanks for wasting my time, you assholes.
3. The Optometry Business is a Hard One
During Jen's examination, I went outside and enjoyed the perfect Florida weather with Zane. When the exam was done and Jen was picking out contacts, the doctor came out and started chatting with me.
Apparently, the company leasing his space keeps raising maintenance costs and he's being forced to move to a cheaper location. And last night he was at the office until 9:30 pm.
The stress must be piling up on him because he's having fantasies about becoming a teacher. Kind of sucks after nine years of post-secondary education.
4. Zane is a Good Boy
Nine months old and he hardly fussed. I owe him one. We ended up being there for about two hours, and he could've made my life hell. But he didn't. Someone's just earned himself tickets to a Wiggles concert when he's older.
5. Pregnancy is Neither Good Nor Bad for Eyes
Jen hadn't been to the optometrist in over two years, and her eyeglass prescription stayed exactly the same. Frankly, I'm shocked, because she reads Harry Potter in the dark.
What I don't understand is, if she can see so well, how come she let me out of the house a couple days ago with a big green thing in my front teeth? I went everywhere with that, Jen, and you know I like to smile.
1. Kids Can Be So Cruel
A group was leaving as we were coming in, a woman and four little boys who were all about ten or eleven years old. Everyone in the group was black, except for one white kid - the tiniest of the bunch. A thick hunk of masking tape was holding together the bridge of his Kurt Rambis glasses, which were being replaced.
On the way out, one of the bigger boys said, "Petey, you look like Steve Urkel with that tape around your glasses."
"Don't say that," the woman said. "Don't be mean."
"I've been saying that to him all day!"
2. Discover Magazine Likes Saying Things for the Sake of Saying Things
An article in a waiting room magazine posed the question, "Is war inevitable?" According to several anthropologists and primatologists, no, it's not. Primate and human behavior suggest that given the right circumstances - adequate food, gender equality, income equality - humans are perfectly content to live peacefully. Or if they're not currently, they will be in the future once aggressive males die from fighting and risky behavior and the "milquetoast" beta males survive and reproduce.
But a line near the end reads, "Despite the signs of progress against our belligerent side, all these scientists emphasize that if war is not inevitable, neither is peace."
Oh wow, so there can be war or peace, depending on the circumstances. Thanks for wasting my time, you assholes.
3. The Optometry Business is a Hard One
During Jen's examination, I went outside and enjoyed the perfect Florida weather with Zane. When the exam was done and Jen was picking out contacts, the doctor came out and started chatting with me.
Apparently, the company leasing his space keeps raising maintenance costs and he's being forced to move to a cheaper location. And last night he was at the office until 9:30 pm.
The stress must be piling up on him because he's having fantasies about becoming a teacher. Kind of sucks after nine years of post-secondary education.
4. Zane is a Good Boy
Nine months old and he hardly fussed. I owe him one. We ended up being there for about two hours, and he could've made my life hell. But he didn't. Someone's just earned himself tickets to a Wiggles concert when he's older.
5. Pregnancy is Neither Good Nor Bad for Eyes
Jen hadn't been to the optometrist in over two years, and her eyeglass prescription stayed exactly the same. Frankly, I'm shocked, because she reads Harry Potter in the dark.
What I don't understand is, if she can see so well, how come she let me out of the house a couple days ago with a big green thing in my front teeth? I went everywhere with that, Jen, and you know I like to smile.
Monday, January 19, 2009
How to Impress Office Workers
INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - DAY
A YOUNG WOMAN, an OLDER WOMAN, and an ostensible MAN stand in the kitchen. The man and the older woman are microwaving their lunch while the young woman waits her turn.
OLDER WOMAN
What ya got there?
MAN
Um, Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers.
OLDER WOMAN
Ooh, any good?
MAN
Never had it before. Four for $10 at Winn Dixie right now.
YOUNGER WOMAN
Ooh!
OLDER WOMAN
Oooohhhh!!!!!
A YOUNG WOMAN, an OLDER WOMAN, and an ostensible MAN stand in the kitchen. The man and the older woman are microwaving their lunch while the young woman waits her turn.
OLDER WOMAN
What ya got there?
MAN
Um, Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers.
OLDER WOMAN
Ooh, any good?
MAN
Never had it before. Four for $10 at Winn Dixie right now.
YOUNGER WOMAN
Ooh!
OLDER WOMAN
Oooohhhh!!!!!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Old Timey Jokes
Here is a list of jokes I made in the past that high school kids would probably get today, but not entirely. They'd get the idea, but not the flavor. Their hearing these jokes would be about the same as if I heard a pun in a foreign language and had to look up the words in a dictionary and then laughed politely.
The jokes:
Ooh, Professor Berger. Can I buy a Lifeline?
Damn, your room looks like Hurricane Andrew blew through here.
You are the weakest link. (Talking to my dog.)
Damn, did you see that? White men can jump.
Hey, everyone! It's that Unabomber kid!
Who does she think she is? Vanna White?
Your mama's so fat, she got mistaken for Refrigerator Perry in a police lineup.
Man, that dinner sucked. I had to Fear Factor that shit.
Five dollars? Ma! More like, Honey, I Shrunk the Kid's Allowance.
...that's probably enough.
The jokes:
Ooh, Professor Berger. Can I buy a Lifeline?
Damn, your room looks like Hurricane Andrew blew through here.
You are the weakest link. (Talking to my dog.)
Damn, did you see that? White men can jump.
Hey, everyone! It's that Unabomber kid!
Who does she think she is? Vanna White?
Your mama's so fat, she got mistaken for Refrigerator Perry in a police lineup.
Man, that dinner sucked. I had to Fear Factor that shit.
Five dollars? Ma! More like, Honey, I Shrunk the Kid's Allowance.
...that's probably enough.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Purchased for a Few Shillings
An Average man's body weighing ten stone is constructed of enough water to fill a ten-gallon barrel; enough fat for seven bars of soap; of carbon sufficient for 9,000 lead pencils, and of phosphorous to make 2,200 match heads; enough magnesium to provide one dose of salts; iron to make one medium-sized nail; lime to whitewash a chicken coop; potassium to explode a toy cannon; sugar to fill a shake; and sulphur to rid a dog of fleas. The whole could be purchased for the few shillings that accord with contemporary prices.
-Sir Adolphe Abrahams, The Human Machine (1956)
Source: Flickr (Alexandre Battibugli)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
My Movie Idea: To the Future
I'm going to pitch this movie idea to the studio execs.
It's gonna be called, To the Future!
The basic premise is, it's Back to the Future in reverse. Instead of a kid from today getting sent back to the 1950s, a high school basketball coach from the 1950s gets sent to today.
The day after he shows up, he goes to a JV basketball game. He sees a 6-foot-tall black freshman tomahawk jam over a defender, and then he suffers a massive stroke.
He recovers from the stroke, but has to use a wheelchair. The first day back in school he goes to the handicapped stall in the men's room. Unfortunately, the stall has been nailed shut because the school wanted to keep kids from skipping class in there.
The movie ends with the guy going to the urologist with a bladder infection. But guess who the urologist is? It's him, 50 years older. He apparently had got his pre-reqs for med school during the off-season.
Unfortunately, he wasn't a very good urologist so he wasn't able to fix himself. The guy dies.
Total run time: 12 minutes.
There's also a sex scene that explores issues such as racism and steroid use. This scene will probably run during the credits.
It's gonna be called, To the Future!
The basic premise is, it's Back to the Future in reverse. Instead of a kid from today getting sent back to the 1950s, a high school basketball coach from the 1950s gets sent to today.
The day after he shows up, he goes to a JV basketball game. He sees a 6-foot-tall black freshman tomahawk jam over a defender, and then he suffers a massive stroke.
He recovers from the stroke, but has to use a wheelchair. The first day back in school he goes to the handicapped stall in the men's room. Unfortunately, the stall has been nailed shut because the school wanted to keep kids from skipping class in there.
The movie ends with the guy going to the urologist with a bladder infection. But guess who the urologist is? It's him, 50 years older. He apparently had got his pre-reqs for med school during the off-season.
Unfortunately, he wasn't a very good urologist so he wasn't able to fix himself. The guy dies.
Total run time: 12 minutes.
There's also a sex scene that explores issues such as racism and steroid use. This scene will probably run during the credits.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Baby in the Mirror
Zane has a Sesame Street mirror that he loves.
A lady sings:
He loves that joint.
A lady sings:
Who's that baby lookin' in the mirror?
Who's that baby lookin' at you?
Who's that baby lookin' in the mirror?
That baby looks just like youuuuu.
Who's that baby lookin' at you?
Who's that baby lookin' in the mirror?
That baby looks just like youuuuu.
He loves that joint.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Gastritis
The Monday after Thanksgiving, I went to the urgent care clinic because I had a tummy ache. After I sat in the examination room waiting for twenty minutes, the doctor stormed in with a Toughbook laptop.
He looked like a slightly thicker version of Barack Obama. Maybe this man can offer my stomach the change it needs, my inner comedian said. My inner bully then reached over and punched my inner comedian in the nuts. Then they both grabbed their stomachs and held a hand up to signal that they needed a second.
The doctor barely said hello before getting right into it.
"Where does it hurt?"
"My tummy. " I made a circular motion over my gut. "And my shoulder and ne-"
"Where on your stomach? High? Low?"
"High."
He punched my response into the computer. "Is the pain radiating?"
"Uh...no?"
He entered my response into the computer again. He asked me several more questions, read the diagnosis on the screen, and then said, "It sounds like you have gastritis. Inflammation of the stomach lining." The treatment? Over-the-counter Prilosec antacid for two-to-three weeks. Dr. Obama said if the pain didn't go away, I might have an ulcer.
What made me a little irritated was that after four years of undergrad, three years of med school, and an intense residency, Dr. Obama let Dr. Toughbook treat me. They should've just saved me time and stuck the laptop in the waiting room.
I wasn't sure if Dr. Toughbook knew what he was talking about, so I went home and got a second opinion from Dr. Wikipedia. He said, "Gastritis is caused by excessive alcohol consumption, prolonged use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, also known as NSAIDs, such as aspirin or ibuprofen, or infection with bacteria, such as Helicobacter pylori."
Well, that settled it. Over Thanksgiving weekend I had drunk a bottle of wine and eaten dessert at H. Pylori's Room-Temperature Cheesecake Factory.
I took the Prilosec for two weeks and had white stools. I'm all better now, thanks.
He looked like a slightly thicker version of Barack Obama. Maybe this man can offer my stomach the change it needs, my inner comedian said. My inner bully then reached over and punched my inner comedian in the nuts. Then they both grabbed their stomachs and held a hand up to signal that they needed a second.
The doctor barely said hello before getting right into it.
"Where does it hurt?"
"My tummy. " I made a circular motion over my gut. "And my shoulder and ne-"
"Where on your stomach? High? Low?"
"High."
He punched my response into the computer. "Is the pain radiating?"
"Uh...no?"
He entered my response into the computer again. He asked me several more questions, read the diagnosis on the screen, and then said, "It sounds like you have gastritis. Inflammation of the stomach lining." The treatment? Over-the-counter Prilosec antacid for two-to-three weeks. Dr. Obama said if the pain didn't go away, I might have an ulcer.
What made me a little irritated was that after four years of undergrad, three years of med school, and an intense residency, Dr. Obama let Dr. Toughbook treat me. They should've just saved me time and stuck the laptop in the waiting room.
I wasn't sure if Dr. Toughbook knew what he was talking about, so I went home and got a second opinion from Dr. Wikipedia. He said, "Gastritis is caused by excessive alcohol consumption, prolonged use of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, also known as NSAIDs, such as aspirin or ibuprofen, or infection with bacteria, such as Helicobacter pylori."
Well, that settled it. Over Thanksgiving weekend I had drunk a bottle of wine and eaten dessert at H. Pylori's Room-Temperature Cheesecake Factory.
I took the Prilosec for two weeks and had white stools. I'm all better now, thanks.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
The World is Fat
If Thomas Friedman ever writes a book about the global obesity crisis titled The World is Fat!, I call "Not it" for being on the cover.
Can you imagine if they used a stock photo for that book cover? Some plus-sized model standing there with her arms crossed, smiling. And behind her, there's a picture of a globe covered in ice cream. She thought she was posing for the Lane Bryant catalog, but instead she becomes the symbol for the obesity pandemic.
Or worse, what if they just used the "Before" picture taken from the ad for a diet pill? Some sad, shirtless guy with his belly sticking out, holding a newspaper, flanked by the words: The World is Fat! by Thomas Friedman.
Or what if they used a skinny guy? That would probably blow your fucking mind.
Can you imagine if they used a stock photo for that book cover? Some plus-sized model standing there with her arms crossed, smiling. And behind her, there's a picture of a globe covered in ice cream. She thought she was posing for the Lane Bryant catalog, but instead she becomes the symbol for the obesity pandemic.
Or worse, what if they just used the "Before" picture taken from the ad for a diet pill? Some sad, shirtless guy with his belly sticking out, holding a newspaper, flanked by the words: The World is Fat! by Thomas Friedman.
Or what if they used a skinny guy? That would probably blow your fucking mind.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Balls in My Face
Jen was sitting on the floor playing with the baby. I was sitting on the couch watching our state of the art TV.
Apparently, my watching TV and not rubbing her back was an inexcusable offense. She picked up a play ball and hurled it at me. It hit me right under my ear.
I stood up and inquired what the fuck. She laughed. I wrested the ball from her weak grip and held it up and feinted. She put up her hand and cowered. I feinted again. She put up her hand again.
I put the ball down by my side and relaxed, which was a cue for her to relax also. As soon as she did, I hurled the ball at her, hitting her square in her glasses.
She bounced up and charged at me and screamed and hammer fisted my face. She screamed some more, but just before she went for the kill, we were interrupted by the sound of the baby making a single startled cry.
We looked at him on the floor, several feet away, sitting upright and staring at us. He had been watching us the whole time.
Then his face turned south and he started crying. Apparently, the sight of a woman beating up a man was just too much. We rushed over and picked him up and comforted him.
"We were only playing," Jen said to him.
But that was, of course, a lie.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
