My Favorite Movies, by State

The title says it all. If you want to make your own, you can use this list to help you out.

Alabama - My Cousin Vinny. Underrated but hilarious. Case in point, Vinny's opening statement in the trial: "Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit... Thank you."

Alaska - Never Cry Wolf. A pretty good adventure story, with a little ecology thrown in. And there's also a cunning, toothless Eskimo.

Arizona - Raising Arizona. What's good about this movie: Everything.

Arkansas - (I'm stumped.)

California - The Karate Kid. As a child of the 80s, maybe I'm biased. But I don't think I'm being hyperbolic when I say that this is the best movie ever made about anything.

Colorado - South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut. I remember in 1999 I laughed and laughed and laughed. Then I felt kind of guilty at what I was laughing at. Then I laughed some more.

Connecticut - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not a movie I particularly loved, but Connecticut's got slim pickings.

Delaware - Fight Club. Set in Wilmington. This film, better than any other, sums up the modern male's anxiety reconciling his primal instincts with the demands of a feminizing society...even if there's a homoerotic undertone.

Florida - There's Something About Mary. All you need to know: "I thought you said she was a real sparkplug." "Huh? No, I said buttplug. She's heinous."

Georgia - Forrest Gump. I'm not sure what this movie is. A chronicle of American zeitgeist? The B side to The Great Gatsby, in which the American Dream is not only real but within reach of the simplest man? A parody of American consciousness? All of the above? Whatever, there's something undeniably likeable about it.

Hawaii - From Here to Eternity. I saw this movie thanks to Netflix. I couldn't imagine how it could possibly live up to the hype...it did. It's a powerhouse.

Idaho - Napoleon Dynamite. The only clues that this movie isn't set in, say, 1981 are the references to the internet and Uncle Rico's longing for 1982, the good old days. Napoleon and his family are so uncool, they're anachronistic. They're not only out of place, they're out of time.

Illinois - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Cousin Eddie: "Shitter's full." Not something you'd hear every day in a Christmas movie.

Indiana - Hoosiers. This movie is proof that a movie can be exciting and entertaining while still being wholesome. The ending is ridiculously exciting.

Iowa - Field of Dreams. Is this heaven? No, it's a majestic ass cornfield in the middle of nowhere where fathers and sons are able to play catch together. There, fathers become young again, which means the years between them and their boys are literally gapped. And through the joys of a simple game of catch, the two are able to put aside years of miscommunication and hard feeling and just enjoy each other's company for a fleeting moment...excuse me, I have something in my eye...

Kansas - The Wizard of Oz. Not my favorite movie, but not a lot going on cinema-wise in Kansas. I'll admit, though, those monkeys scared the shit out of me when I was 6.

Kentucky - Stripes. The movie starts out in Louisville, which is exactly the kind of place that makes someone want to escape by joining the Army.

Louisiana - A Streetcar Named Desire. Blanche wanted the fairytale of being rescued and whisked away by a knight in shining armor, but got something else instead. Do we deride her for believing too much in the myth of the damsel in distress? Or do we pity her for being an individual who is too fragile to live in a brutish world? (For me, it's the latter.)

Maine - The Shawshank Redemption. This movie made me very uneasy when I first saw it. I was in the Navy at the time and feeling pretty institutionalized, in that sense not unlike the prisoners. Andy's escape, through shit and muck, was terribly inspiring, and his and Morgan Freeman's ability to live good lives on the outside was even more so.

Maryland - True Lies. God, what a kickass action movie. Beginning to end. I think the reason I was obsessed with this was that it made it seem possible to be a genuine badass even under a suburban veneer. But of course, that's a lie.

Massachusetts - The Departed. Possibly my favorite movie. Lot of things going on here, but my favorite: The interplay between public persona (identity) and inner emotion (soul?)...Matt Damon, the mole in the police force, versus DiCaprio, the undercover cop in Jack Nicholson's gang. Are we who we are, or are we what we do? But this movie isn't great because of a little thematic action. It's great because it explores some ideas while also building an incredible amount of tension, from beginning to end. And the characters in this movie are the toughest I've ever seen on film. They lived hard.

Michigan - True Romance. The love of a call girl spurs Clarence Worley to stop being a dweeb and start being straight gangsta. It's a fairy tale, but damn, is it entertaining. Also, it has Gary Oldman, my favorite actor.

Minnesota - Juno. By society's eyes, unwed pregnant teen Juno is, for lack of a better term, a piece of shit. But she's faced with ethical choices the entire movie, and time and again she follows her conscience and genuinely tries to do the right thing, not the convenient thing, even if it means she suffers - socially, physically and emotionally. People who can't see past the overly hip dialogue to find the value in this movie are people that I pity.

Mississippi - O Brother, Where Art Thou? Mississippi Burning is entertaining, but the civil rights struggle was not singlehandedly won by the FBI. So that leaves this tale of the Odyssey in backwoods.

Missouri - (I'm stumped. The Country Grammar video?)

Montana - A River Runs Through It. Not my favorite, but Montana isn't a

hotbed of movie action.

Nebraska - Election. When Chris Klein was skiing down some ridiculously steep mountainside (i.e., begging for an injury) and then fell and broke his leg and screamed, "Why, God, why?"...well, this movie won me over right then.

Nevada - Rain Man. Lot of sentimentality, but I think it works.

New Hampshire - What About Bob? I would probably kill Bob if I were the Richard Dreyfuss character.

New Jersey - Clerks. What, this cost like $30,000 to make? And it's still better than any other movie set in New Jersey, including Garden State.

New Mexico - Little Miss Sunshine. I wanna go out like the old man.

New York - Ghostbusters. A lot of movies have been set in New York. But this one wins it for me because of the Stay Puft marshmallow man. When I was six, that thing blew my fucking mind.

North Carolina - I Know What You Did Last Summer. I should probably see Cold Mountain so I can take this one off my list.

North Dakota - Fargo. Chilling. And fresh. North Dakotans come off a little cartoonish in this movie, but to be fair, I think they come off a little cartoonish in real life too.

Ohio - Major League. This movie, Lebron James and The Drew Carey Show are the only things that have ever made me think Cleveland is a cool place to visit. Notice that I didn't say the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Oklahoma - Twister. This wasn't as bad as people say. Was it?

Oregon - One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest. This movie combines two of my favorite themes: Institutionalization (see Maine) and society's feminization of men (see Delaware). The ending is both heartbreaking and uplifting.

Pennsylvania - The Sixth Sense. I like everything about this movie except that it released M. Night Shyamalan into the world.

Rhode Island - Me, Myself and Irene. The Farrelly brothers love their home state. And I love them. Be right back, gotta drive my car into a barber shop.

South Carolina - The Great Santini. This is one of my dad's favorite movies, and for good reason. Its depiction of military family life is accurate and devastating.

South Dakota - Dances with Wolves. A lot of films have captured the stone cold hardness of the American west, but this one better than any other captures its majesty and mysticism.

Tennessee - Cast Away. Who would've thought that Memphis, of all places, would provide the hustle and bustle to contrast with the slowness of life on a desert island? Steven Spielberg, that's who would've.

Texas - No Country for Old Men. The guy with the bad haircut is a pretty obvious represenation of blind fate's hand in our mortality. But Tommy Lee Jones is a less obvious representation of the inevitability of mortality. Whether we live or die today is determined as much by cruel luck as it is by the choices we make. But sooner or later, everyone's luck runs out.

Utah - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. This belongs in a museum! Of awesome movies!

Vermont - Dead Poets Society. Kind of corny, but subversive enough to be likable.

Virginia - Die Hard 2. Gratuitous ass kicking.

Washington - This Boy's Life. What a nightmare for young Tobias Wolff. I can't help but wonder if this rough upbringing played a hand in making him one of the world's best fiction writers. Still, he probably should've admitted the mustard jar wasn't empty.

West Virginia - The Silence of the Lambs. (Couple of scenes in West Virginia.) This is good old fashioned storytelling. The thematic elements seem a little thin, but on the other hand, it never comes off preachy.

Wisconsin - Back to School. Technically, I don't think it was set in Wisconsin. But it was filmed at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. And the party scene alone is worth the price of a rental. Best line: "We could talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer!"

Wyoming - Brokeback Mountain. Gay, straight, whatever. For me, the biggest tragedy is that two free spirits are restrained by society's arbitrary mores. The sky is vast and free, the American west is open and empty, yet civilization's shadow looms heavy over the lives Ennis and Jack try to live.

Christian Bale Scared My Baby

I told Jen to listen that audio of Christian Bale blowing up and yelling at the Director of Photography on the set of Terminator 4.

She played it over the computer loudspeakers. The baby heard the F bombs and the screaming and got a real concerned look on his face.

Christian Bale scared my baby.

Commercials for Commercials?

I went to Hulu.com to catch a monster.com Super Bowl commercial I missed.

Before the commercial started playing, I got a message saying, "This video is brought to you by H&R Block."

So I had to sit through an ad before I could watch a commercial. And wait, does this mean that H&R Block is a proud sponsor of Monster.com commercials?

WTF?

Every Site is Dangerous

On Sunday, I ran Google to pull up some sites. Then when I clicked on a search result, it warned me the site in question was trying to install malware. Nothing I could click would take me there. It took me a good minute before I realized I could just type the address in the url bar.

All the usual suspects were unavailable through Google: imdb, wikipedia, cnn.com. I was wondering if Google had been hacked.

Then I read this story and learned what happened.

My whole point is, dang, man, I had no idea exactly how much control Google has over my internet habits. It didn't even occur to me to use MSN's Livesearch or Yahoo!'s search engine.

And it still hasn't occurred to me that that's not how you spell googol.

New Chuck Norris Calendar

I bought a Chuck Norris calendar for my desk at work. It is nails.

Each month has a picture of him - dressed up in Army gear, wearing a karate gi, holding a machine gun - and a Chuck Norris fact.

Month-by-month quips:

2008
September - December
Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

2009
January
Chuck Norris had his tonsils removed with a chainsaw.

February
Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident and still managed to walk it off.

March
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.

April
Chuck Norris calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd because no one fools Chuck Norris.

May
They wanted to put Chuck Norris' head on Mount Rushmore but the granite wasn't strong enough for his beard.

June
Chuck Norris picks his teeth with other people's teeth.

July
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

August
Chuck Norris' house has no doors. Just walls that he walks through.

September
Chuck Norris got his driver's license at the age of 16 seconds.

October
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

November
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and can make him drink.

December
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

How to Impress Office Workers, Part II

A continuation. See Part I.

INT. OFFICE KITCHEN - DAY

An ostensible MAN is waiting for his lunch to finish microwaving. COWORKER MALE and COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS enter the kitchen. Coworker male takes out a Tupperware of soup and two small bowls, one for the each of them.

COWORKER MALE
Hey, what you got there? Smells good.

MAN
Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers. Four for $10 at Winn Dixie.

COWORKER MALE
Nice.

COWORKER MALE WHO ALWAYS MISSPEAKS AND MAKES TYPOS
Wow, ten for a dollar. That's a great deal!

5 Things I Learned at the Optometrist's

I signed up for vision insurance at work, so Jen, Zane and I went to the optometrist's today so that Blindy McJen could get her eyes checked. Here are five things I learned today.

1. Kids Can Be So Cruel
A group was leaving as we were coming in, a woman and four little boys who were all about ten or eleven years old. Everyone in the group was black, except for one white kid - the tiniest of the bunch. A thick hunk of masking tape was holding together the bridge of his Kurt Rambis glasses, which were being replaced.

On the way out, one of the bigger boys said, "Petey, you look like Steve Urkel with that tape around your glasses."

"Don't say that," the woman said. "Don't be mean."

"I've been saying that to him all day!"

2. Discover Magazine Likes Saying Things for the Sake of Saying Things
An article in a waiting room magazine posed the question, "Is war inevitable?" According to several anthropologists and primatologists, no, it's not. Primate and human behavior suggest that given the right circumstances - adequate food, gender equality, income equality - humans are perfectly content to live peacefully. Or if they're not currently, they will be in the future once aggressive males die from fighting and risky behavior and the "milquetoast" beta males survive and reproduce.

But a line near the end reads, "Despite the signs of progress against our belligerent side, all these scientists emphasize that if war is not inevitable, neither is peace."

Oh wow, so there can be war or peace, depending on the circumstances. Thanks for wasting my time, you assholes.

3. The Optometry Business is a Hard One
During Jen's examination, I went outside and enjoyed the perfect Florida weather with Zane. When the exam was done and Jen was picking out contacts, the doctor came out and started chatting with me.

Apparently, the company leasing his space keeps raising maintenance costs and he's being forced to move to a cheaper location. And last night he was at the office until 9:30 pm.

The stress must be piling up on him because he's having fantasies about becoming a teacher. Kind of sucks after nine years of post-secondary education.

4. Zane is a Good Boy
Nine months old and he hardly fussed. I owe him one. We ended up being there for about two hours, and he could've made my life hell. But he didn't. Someone's just earned himself tickets to a Wiggles concert when he's older.

5. Pregnancy is Neither Good Nor Bad for Eyes
Jen hadn't been to the optometrist in over two years, and her eyeglass prescription stayed exactly the same. Frankly, I'm shocked, because she reads Harry Potter in the dark.

What I don't understand is, if she can see so well, how come she let me out of the house a couple days ago with a big green thing in my front teeth? I went everywhere with that, Jen, and you know I like to smile.